Closer to God, one tear at a time

Hello all,

I’m just writing to say hi.  

I’v been having a very good week.  I got done with the show, which was a big hit, and have made a lot of new friends.

I’ve finally come to a conclusion:  a lot of people have been telling me that I need to go to college or New York or L.A., or perhaps even Nashville.  But, I’ve decided that I don’t want to.   I know that I have talent, but I would much rather use that talent for fun with my friends and for community theatre than performing somewhere away from my family and friends.  I like my job, I want to pursue it.  

I love my friends.  I love being around them.  I love being around these wonderful people.

Have you ever heard the song “my wish”?  There’s a part in the song that goes:When you’re faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

Well, being here right now is what means the most to me.  I’m in love with this area, with my life.  And I’m going to stay here. 

Dear Father, Please show me Your will in my life.  I think I’ve found where I need to stay, but above all, it is Your will that matters.  Wherever You want me to go, whatever You want me to do, I will do it.  I have no right to do otherwise.

amen.

signing out

Hello all,  

So today was the last day for the performance, and I am so sad!  I’m going to miss my buddies so much! So, at the end of the show, we all went out to eat, and as I was saying goodbye, one of my friends came up to me and asked me if I was going to go to college or not. I said no.  I didn’t want to go. He told me that I should go and apply to a musical college and that I couldn’t make a living doing what I do now. 

(This is a very abbreviated story by the way, just to give you my biased point of view.) I’m scared, to tell you the truth.  Everyone that I’ve been talking to lately about just sticking around the choiral society and having a full time job, says that I need to aim higher. What if I’m happy?!  I was happy with the idea of being a full-time library clerk and then just doing community theatre on the side.  I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with that!  And now all of a sudden, I’m getting all these people saying, no that’s not good enough, you need to do this! I refuse to hold two jobs.  I know some people can do it, but I can’t.  I don’t want to.  I either want to entertain as a profession, or as a hobby.  I don’t want to be the struggling musician.  

I want to either make a living out of it, or have a job that supports me fully and then do it just for fun.  I know that probably sounds odd, but it’s my mind set right now, and I’m happy with it. I want simplicity; I want security.  I want to serve God, and I can do that no matter what.  I don’t have to be rich and famous. I’ve decided that I’m going to send a clip of the show to a producer friend in L.A., a person I’m very semi-acquainted with in Nashville, and I’m going to send it to a company called Cirque Productions.  (Like Cirque du Soleil, but a little more tradition, circus-wise. )

I’m also going to talk to my boss and see if there is any real future in what I’m doing.  I’m going to ask her what I need to do in order to make a living as a library clerk. 

Well, I think I’m done.  I’m just venting and repeating myself now.  I’m just so worried and I know that I shouldn’t be worrying, but I need to.  It’s habit.  Being abused, I’ve been brought up all my life to think about what others want from me, not what I need to do for myself.  I’m trying so hard not to be influenced by others’ opinions. 

I need to be influenced by God’s will and God alone.  

*SIGH*

I guess, one day I’ll figure it out.  I just don’t want to be a failure, you know? Dear Father, Forgive me for my insecurities; I’m sure You can see why I’m having them, though.  Please show me what I am to do with my life.  May it glorify You in all things.  I love You so much my Father.  Please don’t ever let me lose sight of You.  Ever. 

amen. 

signing out.   

I’m so sorry that I haven’t written in forever!  It’s been kinda crazy, but I’ve been doing good. The opening night for the show went very well and the next day was even better.  Everyone sang amazingly well!  I am so lucky to be a part of such an extraordinary group of people!  I hope that this finds you well.  

I’m only putting in a short blog.  I’m just waiting for my computer to finished charging so I can go to bed.  I’ve been getting really bad pins in my wrist lately and I’m a little nervous about typing so much if that’s what’s causing it, you know?

Eh, well…now that I’ve got my own computer (FINALLY) I’ll be able to write more.  Though hopefully this doesn’t mean staying up later.  I like going to be at 11 and usually I’m beat if I go later than that.  Oh well, I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I can sleep in.  (Of course I’m reading a book “The Introvert Advantage” that says I’m not supposed to sleep in, but to get up at the same time every day.)  Eh, we’ll see what happens.  I just won’t set my alarm and then I’ll wake up whenever the little girl gets me up.  Hee. I love you all dearly! 

Dear Lord,Thank You for making life wonderful.  I’ve been feeling really good lately and I know it’s because of You.  Please may the rest of the day go well and may the three remaining performances go well, according to Your will.

amen.

signing out. 

Hey, 

Well today and yesterday was actually two very good days.  I had a bit of a breakdown the night before, but for some reason it always seems to get better the next day.  I hate doing that to my mom though, she’s got to be so tired of it.  Bless her. 

So, a bit of a funny:I was eating dinner with my mom, my brother and his friend.  (Tacos, if you care to know.)  Well, somehow I hit the seet just right and well all heard this loud *SNAP*!  I got up and the seat had cracked right down the middle.  It was hilarious!  (Okay okay, you had to have been there apparantly.)

Well, I feel really good right now.  I’m very happy for that and am indulging in the good feeling. I better get going; I’m at work and should probably earn my keep.

 Dear Father,  

Thank You for the good times.  And I thank You (grimace) for the bad times because I know that they make me grow stronger.  I thank You that You have provided me with my mother that I may have someone to help me through this hard time.  You are awesome.  I love You. 

amen.

signing out.

Well, hello all.

I’m so silly.  Do you know why?  For some reason I’m scared of going places by myself.  Silly, huh?  I hate going shopping unless someone is going to go with me.

You know, I don’t think it’s necessarily that I’m scared, but I’m frustrated too.  I feel like I make time to visit my family, or to spend time with members of my family, but…I don’t know…I feel like whenever I want them to do something, they don’t really care.  (I’m just venting, I know I sound selfish.  Sorry.)

The problem is I feel obligated to do something that someone suggests.  Whenever my mom asks me, “Hey you want to help me with this?”  I don’t really want to, but I feel like I should help out, so I do.  Then, when I ask my mom something, she’ll say, “Maybe/not today/we’ll see/etc. etc.”  (Don’t get me wrong, we do a lot together…and I know that she has a lot on her plate right now.)

 I’m just being a bratty kid.  Pay no attention to me please. 

I have to go shopping now.  Ug. 

Father,

Forgive me for my bad behaviour and attitude.  I’m lonely and I feel like no one cares.  I feel like when I’m depressed or need something, I’ve been this way for so long that it’s taken for natural behaviour.  I want to change and I’m tired of feeling like this.  I feel so dead. Lord, help. Only You can.  And I’m not mad at my mom, for the record.  She has a right to do whatever she wants.  Help me to understand that and to deal with it.  I love her so much.  She’s the only human that has gone through just about everything that I have and she is my constant friend and companion in so many ways.  Let her know that I love her.  And I want You to know that I love You.

amen.

signing out.

Hello all,

My first blog.  I like it.  I’ve been feeling very lonely of late and was looking online for counselors that kind of thing, and realized that I was very scared of going to a counselor. 

I kinda sorta just started surfing and looked up quizzes, you know, the kind of thing you do when no one else is doing what you want and you don’t want to do what they’re doing so you go online to escape from it all.

So I found a quiz and took it.  Suddenly I remembered: “Oh!  I’ve taken this quiz before!”

I had never actually looked at psychcentral’s website so I thought I would look around and on a whim decided to join.  I figured it would be easier than going to a counselor for now and I could connect and feel like I’m sort of socializing. 

So here I am, you all have to deal with me now.  Sorry. 

Dear Father,

May I use this blog site for Your glory, may it reflect what You need me to say and may I connect with people and not be so lonely. 

Amen.

signing out.