Closer to God, one tear at a time

I want you.  I need you.  I miss you so dearly.  

 I know that you are living your life the way you want to live it.   I have no part in it.  So why is it that I keep holding on to this feeling? 

I imagine when I will see you again.  You will act as though nothing has happened.  I will want so terribly to wrap my arms around you; to be embraced; held by you.  It is such a comfort being near you.  I feel respected, like myself.  I feel friendship and relationship.

If only I had the bravery to tell you how I truly felt.  But I fear that I would lose you because of it.  Dear friend, I would never risk losing you.  As so I remain silent.  Speechless.  

Whenever we dance, I pray for a slow song, so that I might be close to you for that much longer.  I  breathe in your scent; so different and unique from everyone else’s.  It is a comfort to me to be near you.  Even when you touch me playfully, I cherish it.  

 I have never been one to needlessly touch people; please understand that every time I touch you it is because I need to. 

It takes everything in me to not pick up my phone and text you, to let you know I miss you.  But you would probably get angry, tell me to leave you alone….perhaps tell me to get a life.  That’s what I would tell myself; to get a life.  I have none.  I want none without you. 

What will happen when you come to me with a woman beside you?  I pray for your sake that I will be the most gracious friend.

I wish so desperately to be considered your good friend.  To be automatically thought of when you think of the word ‘friend’.  I tell you the truth, I consider you the most precious among my friendships.  I treasure yours the most. 

 I love you.  I always will.  I pray that you will be godly, blessed and happy in whatever path you chose.  I pray for you and your future wife.  I will back you up in whatever choice you may, and will endeavour to be the best of people to you.

Understand that I hold you in the highest respect because you did the same for me.  You are the first man I have ever to known to be my friend simply because that was what you did.  You didn’t want something from me; you didn’t want me to do something for you.  You just wanted to be a friend.  

 That is something that I find unique among your gender, and I hope to become better acquainted with a person possessing such qualities.

 I still miss you, and am counting down the days until I am honoured enough to see you again.  Please know that I await that day with impatience.  

Hello all,

I had a nutty night last night and thought it was something to share with you all. 

Last night/morning, I didn’t even attempt to get to bed until around 3am. I was busy talking to my good friends and wanted to finish my conversations and was enjoying myself. 

When I did get off, sleep didn’t come. There was something in my gut that told me something was off. I couldn’t figure it out. 

So I got out of bed and got down on my knees and just prayed for a while (I haven’t ‘knee-mailed’ God for quite some time I’m sorry to say). 

After that I went downstairs to the kitchen, got a glass of water and headed back upstairs. 

Sleep STILL didn’t come. I could still sense that feeling; there was something that was not right me. *grr* So I figured, “Fine, whatever, I won’t sleep then.” I sat up in my bed and propped myself against the window (I have three windows on the east side of my bedroom and my bed is situated against them) and just star-gazed for a while. I figured I would just pray for a while longer and watch the sun come up. 

Well, I suddenly realized how amazing the sky looked and got into my head that I needed to see a shooting star. (I’m so demanding) So I ask God, “can I see a shooting star?” I am being totally honest when I say that I fully expected something to happen, without a doubt in my mind. 

So here I am waiting, looking at the stars, when all of a sudden it hits me: there is not a reason in the world that I need anything more that what I was looking at right then; God’s glory in the sky as it was right now. But right as I am telling myself that, it was like God was interrupting me in mid-sentence, because a shooting star flit across the sky.

Now, under normal circumstances, and in other “God-moment” stories, when these things happen they are very uplifting and amazing. 

This time it wasn’t. 

Have you ever had that feeling of panic and fright when your back is exposed to dark hall or right before someone jumps out from behind you to scare you? That is what I felt for a split second multiplied by 1000. The only way to describe what I felt was SHEER TERROR. I felt like I had been hit with lightning.

I kid you not, friends, I couldn’t move! I said “oh my gosh” and then my body ceased to be mine. I fell to my bed and I started sobbing. I couldn’t stop myself. I was crying so hard and laughing at the same time that I couldn’t breathe. I’m glad my mom didn’t hear me (I’m surprised that she didn’t) because I’m sure I looked like a madwomen. 

I sat there in a fetal-like position, just crying. I honestly believe that I saw the face of my Creator in that second. I know that I’ve used the word “creator” in the past, but honestly until last night I never knew what that truly meant of God: He is the Manipulator of the Skies. Nothing less than the Dictator of the Stars. The King of our Constellations, The Prince of the Zodiac.

I’ve been in awe of God before; I’ve been in worship of God; I’m in love with God, but never before have I been terrified of Him. 

I wish I could describe to you the wave of emotion that I experienced. It was so mind boggling. Now I see why God hid Moses in the rocks when He passed by; it scared the bujeebers outta me!!

I’ve come to realize something: whenever the Bible says “every knee should/will bow down” I always assumed that it meant it was something that we would take action in. I think I’m wrong. I think that we will all be forced to our knees by the sheer power of God’s glory. There is no option about it, we will all be put in our rightful humble place on our knees in worship of Him Who was, Who is and Who is to come. 

Amen and amen.

I’ve been having a hard day. 

It’s funny because the other day I talked to a friend who was incredibly important to me.  Truthfully, I love him so much.  I thought I would get over it.  I can’t.  I can’t choose who I love.  I’ve really been trying to build the friendship and just let God take care of rest, but man, it’s hard!!

 So anyway, I got in a fight with my mom this morning and we were not doing so well.  I went back upstairs and took a mini-nap and tried again.  I ate something and felt better, apologized to mom, all that jazz.  But it made me realize how difficult I am to deal with.  I’m really a pain.  

But, as mom pointed out, this guy that I’m so fond of is a war vet for pete’s sake!  He is not going to be easy to deal with either.  And it hit me: the very reason that I fell in love with him was and is because of who he is and how he has hard days and hard times spiritually and how crazily stubborn he is and how difficult he is sometimes!  I’m constantly praying for him.  I’m trying to uplift him in anyway I can, even if he doesn’t know that I am thinking about him.

 He’s at drill today, and I’m hopefully going to see him next week…

 Lord God, 

Forgive me for being such a silly person.  Please help me to grow up and to know You more and more each day.  And please be with all of our soldiers who are fighting.  Lord, they each have a story, a hurt, a burden to tell or deal with.  Let them know that they are not alone and that we love them and are supporting them in every way.

amen.

signing out.  

Hello, 

 So yeah, I’m not doing very well at all today.   It was an incredibly rough week last week and I’m just beat.  I need sleep and I can’t; I have to work tomorrow and go to a meeting; which is odd because it’s usually my day off, but oh well.  

 I don’t know, I just feel like I’m destined to be alone forever.  I’m discouraged; it just seems that the one guy I want to be around is so busy that I can never see him and he has a right to that, it’s just hard when I see him with his group of friends and I try to be a friend, but how can you possibly make an impression when the only time you see him is when he’s on stage or dancing with other girls?  It’s tough.  And I just don’t see it happening.  At all. 

 I’m so done.  

 Lord, 

You know how I feel for this person; You know what he’s done for me.  Please help me to let him go.  Let me rely on You and only.  I love him.  Show me how to love him enough to move on.  

amen.

signing out. 

This is the first day that I’ve actually dealt with the consequences of breaking off a close friendship.  I’m so lonely.  We really did talk way too much, I guess.  All I want to do is chat.

He sent me a letter after I had sent him mine and truthfully, the guy is a really good writer.  The only problem is, based on what I know from other people and their experiences and my own, I can only see the malicious intent behind it.  I can’t really believe that he means anything that he says.  I believe that he’s trying to get me to feel sorry for him, or that he’s just writing without emotion.  

He hasn’t tried to contact me in any other way since that letter, so I’m guessing that he doesn’t really care by that either.  I think that if someone really “loved me a like a sister” as quoted from his letter, he would have at least tried to fix the fact that I deleted him my chat contacts or something. 

You’d think.

But he didn’t.

There for my self-esteem is slowly slipping away and I’m beginning to feel that I’m not really worth much in anybody’s eyes.  I mean, I know that my family loves me, but so far, the guys that I have become attached to don’t really seem to care.  

I guess that I’m just not meant to have that kind of relationship.  All my guy friends have officially relegated themselves to the status of “just friend”.  Which I guess is how it should be, you know? 

I don’t know.  I’m in love with someone but the less I see of him, the more afraid I am of creating him into something that he’s not.  I’m afraid of falling in love with my ideal person with his face.  Lord, help me!

Well, I guess that I’m done…I’m sure I’ll be back.  You’re kinda of my only solace now.  I’m a little alone.  I feel that way anyway.

Dear Lord, 

I need You.  I’m so discouraged with the way things have been turning out.  I’m lonely, I’m tired, my friends care up to the point that it reminds them of their distresses and then I’m playing psychiatrist for them; my problems forgotten, I feel worthless, there are so many things, I could complain forever.  But Lord, I’m asking You to take that away from me.  Please replace my complaining with gratitude that in Your eyes, I am priceless.  I am a pearl of great worth.  Please help me to dwell on that.  In Your glorious name,

amen. 

signing out.

Well,  My friends it has been far too long.  My apologies.  Unfortunately a lot of things have been happening of late.   And unfortunately I made the choice to terminate what I thought was a very good friendship.  

I know it sounds like I’m regretting it, but realistically I can tell you that it was unhealthy.  It was wrong, and I was falling into some big-time no-no habits that I would never have done in the past.  Or never acted upon, I guess I should say. Still didn’t make it any easier saying goodbye.  Especially when your friend replies with a heart-felt you’ve-got-me-all-wrong letter.  I’m thinking maybe that’s what we call manipulation. 

Well, other than that I seem to be doing pretty good, except I have not had the pleasure of seeing a very precious friend in a very long time.  I don’t even know him that well, but he really is so important to me.  I don’t think he’ll realize.  (I’m sure I’ve told you that before.) 

At any rate, I miss him.  He’s kind, genuine, and he seems to be the only friend that I actually “God-talk” with anymore.   

He was the one who brought me to understanding about my life.  He truly rocked my world.  He shook me to the core.  He’s not my other friend, who found the weakness in my armour and then forced himself in; this guy is different.  He sees my weakness, avoids provoking it and focusses on True Healer of all Hurts: God. 

Well, I hope to see him soon.  I hope that things get easier for us all in the near future, but I don’t really see it happening.  Just hold on to God and His promise of shalom for His children. 

Dear Lord, I ask that You would encourage all who belong to You today.  Give them the necessary strength in everything that they do.  May we all glorify You unto eternity. 

amen. 

signing out. 

Hello 

I would like to express my sincere and heart-felt sentiments to all who are dealing with the Windsor tornado.  I hope that you all know that so many people are praying for you constantly right now.  I love all of you so dearly and I will keep you in my thoughts unceasingly.   

Love,  Eli

Hello all,

I’m just writing to say hi.  

I’v been having a very good week.  I got done with the show, which was a big hit, and have made a lot of new friends.

I’ve finally come to a conclusion:  a lot of people have been telling me that I need to go to college or New York or L.A., or perhaps even Nashville.  But, I’ve decided that I don’t want to.   I know that I have talent, but I would much rather use that talent for fun with my friends and for community theatre than performing somewhere away from my family and friends.  I like my job, I want to pursue it.  

I love my friends.  I love being around them.  I love being around these wonderful people.

Have you ever heard the song “my wish”?  There’s a part in the song that goes:When you’re faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

Well, being here right now is what means the most to me.  I’m in love with this area, with my life.  And I’m going to stay here. 

Dear Father, Please show me Your will in my life.  I think I’ve found where I need to stay, but above all, it is Your will that matters.  Wherever You want me to go, whatever You want me to do, I will do it.  I have no right to do otherwise.

amen.

signing out

Hello all,  

So today was the last day for the performance, and I am so sad!  I’m going to miss my buddies so much! So, at the end of the show, we all went out to eat, and as I was saying goodbye, one of my friends came up to me and asked me if I was going to go to college or not. I said no.  I didn’t want to go. He told me that I should go and apply to a musical college and that I couldn’t make a living doing what I do now. 

(This is a very abbreviated story by the way, just to give you my biased point of view.) I’m scared, to tell you the truth.  Everyone that I’ve been talking to lately about just sticking around the choiral society and having a full time job, says that I need to aim higher. What if I’m happy?!  I was happy with the idea of being a full-time library clerk and then just doing community theatre on the side.  I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with that!  And now all of a sudden, I’m getting all these people saying, no that’s not good enough, you need to do this! I refuse to hold two jobs.  I know some people can do it, but I can’t.  I don’t want to.  I either want to entertain as a profession, or as a hobby.  I don’t want to be the struggling musician.  

I want to either make a living out of it, or have a job that supports me fully and then do it just for fun.  I know that probably sounds odd, but it’s my mind set right now, and I’m happy with it. I want simplicity; I want security.  I want to serve God, and I can do that no matter what.  I don’t have to be rich and famous. I’ve decided that I’m going to send a clip of the show to a producer friend in L.A., a person I’m very semi-acquainted with in Nashville, and I’m going to send it to a company called Cirque Productions.  (Like Cirque du Soleil, but a little more tradition, circus-wise. )

I’m also going to talk to my boss and see if there is any real future in what I’m doing.  I’m going to ask her what I need to do in order to make a living as a library clerk. 

Well, I think I’m done.  I’m just venting and repeating myself now.  I’m just so worried and I know that I shouldn’t be worrying, but I need to.  It’s habit.  Being abused, I’ve been brought up all my life to think about what others want from me, not what I need to do for myself.  I’m trying so hard not to be influenced by others’ opinions. 

I need to be influenced by God’s will and God alone.  

*SIGH*

I guess, one day I’ll figure it out.  I just don’t want to be a failure, you know? Dear Father, Forgive me for my insecurities; I’m sure You can see why I’m having them, though.  Please show me what I am to do with my life.  May it glorify You in all things.  I love You so much my Father.  Please don’t ever let me lose sight of You.  Ever. 

amen. 

signing out.   

I’m so sorry that I haven’t written in forever!  It’s been kinda crazy, but I’ve been doing good. The opening night for the show went very well and the next day was even better.  Everyone sang amazingly well!  I am so lucky to be a part of such an extraordinary group of people!  I hope that this finds you well.  

I’m only putting in a short blog.  I’m just waiting for my computer to finished charging so I can go to bed.  I’ve been getting really bad pins in my wrist lately and I’m a little nervous about typing so much if that’s what’s causing it, you know?

Eh, well…now that I’ve got my own computer (FINALLY) I’ll be able to write more.  Though hopefully this doesn’t mean staying up later.  I like going to be at 11 and usually I’m beat if I go later than that.  Oh well, I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I can sleep in.  (Of course I’m reading a book “The Introvert Advantage” that says I’m not supposed to sleep in, but to get up at the same time every day.)  Eh, we’ll see what happens.  I just won’t set my alarm and then I’ll wake up whenever the little girl gets me up.  Hee. I love you all dearly! 

Dear Lord,Thank You for making life wonderful.  I’ve been feeling really good lately and I know it’s because of You.  Please may the rest of the day go well and may the three remaining performances go well, according to Your will.

amen.

signing out.