Closer to God, one tear at a time

I want you.  I need you.  I miss you so dearly.  

 I know that you are living your life the way you want to live it.   I have no part in it.  So why is it that I keep holding on to this feeling? 

I imagine when I will see you again.  You will act as though nothing has happened.  I will want so terribly to wrap my arms around you; to be embraced; held by you.  It is such a comfort being near you.  I feel respected, like myself.  I feel friendship and relationship.

If only I had the bravery to tell you how I truly felt.  But I fear that I would lose you because of it.  Dear friend, I would never risk losing you.  As so I remain silent.  Speechless.  

Whenever we dance, I pray for a slow song, so that I might be close to you for that much longer.  I  breathe in your scent; so different and unique from everyone else’s.  It is a comfort to me to be near you.  Even when you touch me playfully, I cherish it.  

 I have never been one to needlessly touch people; please understand that every time I touch you it is because I need to. 

It takes everything in me to not pick up my phone and text you, to let you know I miss you.  But you would probably get angry, tell me to leave you alone….perhaps tell me to get a life.  That’s what I would tell myself; to get a life.  I have none.  I want none without you. 

What will happen when you come to me with a woman beside you?  I pray for your sake that I will be the most gracious friend.

I wish so desperately to be considered your good friend.  To be automatically thought of when you think of the word ‘friend’.  I tell you the truth, I consider you the most precious among my friendships.  I treasure yours the most. 

 I love you.  I always will.  I pray that you will be godly, blessed and happy in whatever path you chose.  I pray for you and your future wife.  I will back you up in whatever choice you may, and will endeavour to be the best of people to you.

Understand that I hold you in the highest respect because you did the same for me.  You are the first man I have ever to known to be my friend simply because that was what you did.  You didn’t want something from me; you didn’t want me to do something for you.  You just wanted to be a friend.  

 That is something that I find unique among your gender, and I hope to become better acquainted with a person possessing such qualities.

 I still miss you, and am counting down the days until I am honoured enough to see you again.  Please know that I await that day with impatience.  

Hello all,

I had a nutty night last night and thought it was something to share with you all. 

Last night/morning, I didn’t even attempt to get to bed until around 3am. I was busy talking to my good friends and wanted to finish my conversations and was enjoying myself. 

When I did get off, sleep didn’t come. There was something in my gut that told me something was off. I couldn’t figure it out. 

So I got out of bed and got down on my knees and just prayed for a while (I haven’t ‘knee-mailed’ God for quite some time I’m sorry to say). 

After that I went downstairs to the kitchen, got a glass of water and headed back upstairs. 

Sleep STILL didn’t come. I could still sense that feeling; there was something that was not right me. *grr* So I figured, “Fine, whatever, I won’t sleep then.” I sat up in my bed and propped myself against the window (I have three windows on the east side of my bedroom and my bed is situated against them) and just star-gazed for a while. I figured I would just pray for a while longer and watch the sun come up. 

Well, I suddenly realized how amazing the sky looked and got into my head that I needed to see a shooting star. (I’m so demanding) So I ask God, “can I see a shooting star?” I am being totally honest when I say that I fully expected something to happen, without a doubt in my mind. 

So here I am waiting, looking at the stars, when all of a sudden it hits me: there is not a reason in the world that I need anything more that what I was looking at right then; God’s glory in the sky as it was right now. But right as I am telling myself that, it was like God was interrupting me in mid-sentence, because a shooting star flit across the sky.

Now, under normal circumstances, and in other “God-moment” stories, when these things happen they are very uplifting and amazing. 

This time it wasn’t. 

Have you ever had that feeling of panic and fright when your back is exposed to dark hall or right before someone jumps out from behind you to scare you? That is what I felt for a split second multiplied by 1000. The only way to describe what I felt was SHEER TERROR. I felt like I had been hit with lightning.

I kid you not, friends, I couldn’t move! I said “oh my gosh” and then my body ceased to be mine. I fell to my bed and I started sobbing. I couldn’t stop myself. I was crying so hard and laughing at the same time that I couldn’t breathe. I’m glad my mom didn’t hear me (I’m surprised that she didn’t) because I’m sure I looked like a madwomen. 

I sat there in a fetal-like position, just crying. I honestly believe that I saw the face of my Creator in that second. I know that I’ve used the word “creator” in the past, but honestly until last night I never knew what that truly meant of God: He is the Manipulator of the Skies. Nothing less than the Dictator of the Stars. The King of our Constellations, The Prince of the Zodiac.

I’ve been in awe of God before; I’ve been in worship of God; I’m in love with God, but never before have I been terrified of Him. 

I wish I could describe to you the wave of emotion that I experienced. It was so mind boggling. Now I see why God hid Moses in the rocks when He passed by; it scared the bujeebers outta me!!

I’ve come to realize something: whenever the Bible says “every knee should/will bow down” I always assumed that it meant it was something that we would take action in. I think I’m wrong. I think that we will all be forced to our knees by the sheer power of God’s glory. There is no option about it, we will all be put in our rightful humble place on our knees in worship of Him Who was, Who is and Who is to come. 

Amen and amen.

I’ve been having a hard day. 

It’s funny because the other day I talked to a friend who was incredibly important to me.  Truthfully, I love him so much.  I thought I would get over it.  I can’t.  I can’t choose who I love.  I’ve really been trying to build the friendship and just let God take care of rest, but man, it’s hard!!

 So anyway, I got in a fight with my mom this morning and we were not doing so well.  I went back upstairs and took a mini-nap and tried again.  I ate something and felt better, apologized to mom, all that jazz.  But it made me realize how difficult I am to deal with.  I’m really a pain.  

But, as mom pointed out, this guy that I’m so fond of is a war vet for pete’s sake!  He is not going to be easy to deal with either.  And it hit me: the very reason that I fell in love with him was and is because of who he is and how he has hard days and hard times spiritually and how crazily stubborn he is and how difficult he is sometimes!  I’m constantly praying for him.  I’m trying to uplift him in anyway I can, even if he doesn’t know that I am thinking about him.

 He’s at drill today, and I’m hopefully going to see him next week…

 Lord God, 

Forgive me for being such a silly person.  Please help me to grow up and to know You more and more each day.  And please be with all of our soldiers who are fighting.  Lord, they each have a story, a hurt, a burden to tell or deal with.  Let them know that they are not alone and that we love them and are supporting them in every way.

amen.

signing out.