Closer to God, one tear at a time

This is the first day that I’ve actually dealt with the consequences of breaking off a close friendship.  I’m so lonely.  We really did talk way too much, I guess.  All I want to do is chat.

He sent me a letter after I had sent him mine and truthfully, the guy is a really good writer.  The only problem is, based on what I know from other people and their experiences and my own, I can only see the malicious intent behind it.  I can’t really believe that he means anything that he says.  I believe that he’s trying to get me to feel sorry for him, or that he’s just writing without emotion.  

He hasn’t tried to contact me in any other way since that letter, so I’m guessing that he doesn’t really care by that either.  I think that if someone really “loved me a like a sister” as quoted from his letter, he would have at least tried to fix the fact that I deleted him my chat contacts or something. 

You’d think.

But he didn’t.

There for my self-esteem is slowly slipping away and I’m beginning to feel that I’m not really worth much in anybody’s eyes.  I mean, I know that my family loves me, but so far, the guys that I have become attached to don’t really seem to care.  

I guess that I’m just not meant to have that kind of relationship.  All my guy friends have officially relegated themselves to the status of “just friend”.  Which I guess is how it should be, you know? 

I don’t know.  I’m in love with someone but the less I see of him, the more afraid I am of creating him into something that he’s not.  I’m afraid of falling in love with my ideal person with his face.  Lord, help me!

Well, I guess that I’m done…I’m sure I’ll be back.  You’re kinda of my only solace now.  I’m a little alone.  I feel that way anyway.

Dear Lord, 

I need You.  I’m so discouraged with the way things have been turning out.  I’m lonely, I’m tired, my friends care up to the point that it reminds them of their distresses and then I’m playing psychiatrist for them; my problems forgotten, I feel worthless, there are so many things, I could complain forever.  But Lord, I’m asking You to take that away from me.  Please replace my complaining with gratitude that in Your eyes, I am priceless.  I am a pearl of great worth.  Please help me to dwell on that.  In Your glorious name,

amen. 

signing out.

Well,  My friends it has been far too long.  My apologies.  Unfortunately a lot of things have been happening of late.   And unfortunately I made the choice to terminate what I thought was a very good friendship.  

I know it sounds like I’m regretting it, but realistically I can tell you that it was unhealthy.  It was wrong, and I was falling into some big-time no-no habits that I would never have done in the past.  Or never acted upon, I guess I should say. Still didn’t make it any easier saying goodbye.  Especially when your friend replies with a heart-felt you’ve-got-me-all-wrong letter.  I’m thinking maybe that’s what we call manipulation. 

Well, other than that I seem to be doing pretty good, except I have not had the pleasure of seeing a very precious friend in a very long time.  I don’t even know him that well, but he really is so important to me.  I don’t think he’ll realize.  (I’m sure I’ve told you that before.) 

At any rate, I miss him.  He’s kind, genuine, and he seems to be the only friend that I actually “God-talk” with anymore.   

He was the one who brought me to understanding about my life.  He truly rocked my world.  He shook me to the core.  He’s not my other friend, who found the weakness in my armour and then forced himself in; this guy is different.  He sees my weakness, avoids provoking it and focusses on True Healer of all Hurts: God. 

Well, I hope to see him soon.  I hope that things get easier for us all in the near future, but I don’t really see it happening.  Just hold on to God and His promise of shalom for His children. 

Dear Lord, I ask that You would encourage all who belong to You today.  Give them the necessary strength in everything that they do.  May we all glorify You unto eternity. 

amen. 

signing out.