Hello all,
So today was the last day for the performance, and I am so sad! I’m going to miss my buddies so much! So, at the end of the show, we all went out to eat, and as I was saying goodbye, one of my friends came up to me and asked me if I was going to go to college or not. I said no. I didn’t want to go. He told me that I should go and apply to a musical college and that I couldn’t make a living doing what I do now.
(This is a very abbreviated story by the way, just to give you my biased point of view.) I’m scared, to tell you the truth. Everyone that I’ve been talking to lately about just sticking around the choiral society and having a full time job, says that I need to aim higher. What if I’m happy?! I was happy with the idea of being a full-time library clerk and then just doing community theatre on the side. I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with that! And now all of a sudden, I’m getting all these people saying, no that’s not good enough, you need to do this! I refuse to hold two jobs. I know some people can do it, but I can’t. I don’t want to. I either want to entertain as a profession, or as a hobby. I don’t want to be the struggling musician.
I want to either make a living out of it, or have a job that supports me fully and then do it just for fun. I know that probably sounds odd, but it’s my mind set right now, and I’m happy with it. I want simplicity; I want security. I want to serve God, and I can do that no matter what. I don’t have to be rich and famous. I’ve decided that I’m going to send a clip of the show to a producer friend in L.A., a person I’m very semi-acquainted with in Nashville, and I’m going to send it to a company called Cirque Productions. (Like Cirque du Soleil, but a little more tradition, circus-wise. )
I’m also going to talk to my boss and see if there is any real future in what I’m doing. I’m going to ask her what I need to do in order to make a living as a library clerk.
Well, I think I’m done. I’m just venting and repeating myself now. I’m just so worried and I know that I shouldn’t be worrying, but I need to. It’s habit. Being abused, I’ve been brought up all my life to think about what others want from me, not what I need to do for myself. I’m trying so hard not to be influenced by others’ opinions.
I need to be influenced by God’s will and God alone.
*SIGH*
I guess, one day I’ll figure it out. I just don’t want to be a failure, you know? Dear Father, Forgive me for my insecurities; I’m sure You can see why I’m having them, though. Please show me what I am to do with my life. May it glorify You in all things. I love You so much my Father. Please don’t ever let me lose sight of You. Ever.
amen.
signing out.