Blessings!Lord God,Be with our world; it’s hurting.
amen and amen.
http://vimeo.com/1797430
Hey,
Hey all,
So I’m doing a 40 day fast for Lent; slowly cutting out food items as the weeks progress to where I will be on a juice fast for the last two days of my fast. I hope to be writing a little more on this as I progress, but I figure we’ll catch up with the inward things first.
It’s certainly been interesting, because…well, ha ha, Brit (ha ha , yes!! We’re back together, which has been the highlight of my past month and this one…and one of the main things that has made this worth it!) pointed out that the day a bunch of stuff has been happening in regards to his and my relationship was the day we started our fast. He pointed out an interesting concept that I never really thought of quite the way he is; fasting brings about things. I mean, I fast for an inward sense of…well fulfillment, but not within the fast itself, but within being forced to go to God when I’ve made a choice to substitute an essential thing in my life with an eternal essential Thing; God. But he pointed out that we fast to bring about something; look at Esther, her entire people fasted for three days and nights before she went to the king to bring about her deliverance from the ancient protocol of a mighty nation! And even though I did not intend for anything to be brought up outside of a growing within me inwardly, I think it’s quite possible that it is bringing something about that is going to build my character in a way deeper way than I would have thought.
I just pray that I’m not hardening my heart to what I may need to hear. I’m trying to be open, I just…I don’t know…I feel frustrated because I know that my mom is incredibly worried about my potential church choice, and I had a girlfriend call me to ask my to break off my relationship with my boyfriend. I asked her why, and told her that I’m not going to and told her why and she seemed to take it well, but in all honesty, I’m really angry. I know that she’s doing it because she thinks that it is ‘protecting me’, but I see an underlying tone of selfishness. At least, I think I am, I don’t like saying that about my friends and I hope I’m not reading into it, but just based on what she has told me in the past, that’s what I see. And I’m not angry in that I’m not going to talk to her, I guess I’m frustrated in that she thinks that I have so little feelings for this person that I would just go along with her and say “okey dokey!” The cool thing about this was that it gave me a chance to tell her how much I care, and that I’m not going to break it off because I truly think that it would be the absolute wrong move. I’m really surprised that she didn’t take that into account and seemed so calm about something that to me is quite huge and monumental. At least we know where each other is coming from now!
My mom does have very valid concerns; the church that I’m attending - and this is getting into my beliefs and they are conservative with several things, I’m sure some of my readers have a difference of opinion and I would be glad to hear it, but in return I hope that you hear mine: the church that I am becoming more and more involved in does have people in authority their who are pro-homosexuality and I’m not. And I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to have an opinion or anything, but it is, from what I read in the Bible, wrong. And so where does that put me? I’m becoming part of these people’s lives and they a part of mine and that bothers her. She is also concerned because I left this church a couple years ago on the basis of it becoming too commercial and I was really not liking the way that the church was headed with it’s worship team; I don’t like referring to the congregation as an ‘audience’. And now that I’m back on the worship team again, even more than I was before, she is concerned. She asks me to remember why I left and I do remember…I dunno…
This is what is bothering me with this; I don’t feel wrong there, but who am I to say that my feelings can be trusted?? I know things, and I feel things. I will defend what I know to the very end, but can I really defend what I feel if I don’t know that it’s from God? Is my just feeling right in a particular church my subjective attempt to justify my actions?
This is what I know:
God is good, and that all things work to His good.
He has a plan for me that will further His glory
I have found someone that genuinely cares for me outside my family and is challenging me to be a better person
I have found a church that I find fellowship with both the staff and congregation; some I consider my very dear friends
My friends and my family love me and they are doing what they see is best to protect me and to encourage me to follow the right path
I have been griping about things that should not be griped about - especially if I have stated that they do not bother me
I have been burdening people about things that in all honesty is not beneficial to them in any way
I have a choice that is God’s and mine and no one else’s.
I have a choice that is God’s, mine and Brit’s and no one else’s.
I am a choice by God to have been created and He will not forsake me to myself or any other force on this earth or supernatural.
I am loved by many and love many
This is what I have right now, and I know that these are good and true. These are right. These are pure. These are what I hold to, and hold on to.
amen and amen.
Okay, so throughout the course of two and a half days, I have come to the realization of a couple of things that do bother me a bit:
Lord, I ask that You would please address these issues. Please burden my heart to go to You before I go to anybody and to spend more time or an equal amount of time with You as I do my other friends. Lord God, I don’t understand why I’m still holding back with telling my friends what’s going on in my life, but You do. The only thing I can think of is that I have to actually put it in words for them and I have to tell them over and over and I just get tired of it.
Lord God, one thing that I have enjoyed is not going into the gossip feel of conversations with some of my friends. I like having quiet time with You and I like being able to go to bed early and to get up at a decent time. I like the fact that I’m not near as attached to my phone as I thought I was, but I am still pretty addicted to the internet; if we could address that would be cool. I like that this has given me time to realize that my attachment to some people really is an attachment, just not a being comfortable in the way things are. I like the fact that I’m missing people in a way that makes me know that I’m genuinely attached to them because they edify me and they make me happy, but not just happy; joyful, they make me think about what You would have me do. They are there for me when I am hurting… Lord God, I hope I do the same for them??
So, this has been a very good thing for me, I can honestly say. I still don’t like it because I don’t like not talking to people, but God, this has given me the chance to talk to You more. I like that I was able to start on a couple of books that I know will help me immensely.
God, all in all, I’m thankful for this time. I’m thankful that You are showing me what I need to do to get closer to You. I’m thankful that You’re showing me my faults and what I need to improve on to further my relationships with the people that I know. Lord God, there have been several friends that I made last year that have basically change my life. I know of six right now that if I didn’t know them I would not be who I am today, and I can’t thank You enough for the time with them that You’ve blessed me with. I love them all so much; from the very bottom of my heart.
And my dear sister who I’ve known for years; if it hadn’t been for her listening to me complain over and over and over and over about the same silly thing, I don’t know what I would have done. She was wonderful and is wonderful to me and I just…I wish I could express to her how truly I grateful for her. She’s been there for me through the worst and laughed with me through the best. I only hope that I can do the same.
Lord God, another thing I would like to work on is to be able to serve my friends as well as they serve me. I feel like I am lacking in being what a friend should be to them, and that bothers me. I want to be able to be there for them, to talk to them, to give them advice, without sounding harsh. For Pete sake’s, I’ve receive two bouquets of flowers and a gift from three of them in one week! They show how they care in so many ways and I just wonder at them wanting to be around me half the time because compared to them I am nothing! Nothing, my Father! Please, may I reciprocate all the amazing love that they show me.
I love You, my Dear, Sweet, Abba. Precious King, You are, I lift Your name on high that You might be glorified. Through my pain, through my joy, through the dark and the light, I praise You, because You are my High Priest, the Lover of my soul, my dear, sweet Husband.
Amen and amen.
Signing out.
GAH!!!! I miss YOU!!!
Okay…sorry…done…sorta… *sigh*
Lord God, You know the commitment I made to You for this week; You know the reasoning, and You have proved Yourself to be faithful through it thus far, and I know You will continue to be faithful through it and in all things that I do.
God, I’m not going to lie, I hate this and it sucks and I don’t want to do it and I would much rather just be done with it and go back to the way it was three days ago. I miss talking, confiding, be kept company, keeping company…I miss being able to bounce off ideas or concerns and just knowing that I have a friend that I can to whenever. And I know I have that in You, my Lord, and that’s what this is about, to bring myself back to the reality that You are the Ultimate Friend, Lover, the Perfect Husband through all things, for me in all things.
I just…I don’t want to keep doing this just because I said so, there is a reason why I’m not talking to people, but I want to further my relationship with You and to receive instruction from You, not to just isolate myself because I said so and that in itself becomes the reason…make sense?
I’m not a people person, but I am a confider and trust the people that I’ve surrounded myself with. I want to be a part of their lives as much as I want them to be a part of mine, so to cut them out of my life for a week doesn’t look very good, I’m sure. But Lord God, You know how I care for these people, please give them understanding of my rather eccentric ways – I’m beginning to see just how odd I really am. Lol…
Lord, God, I also ask that You would please grant me the strength to confide in my sisters that You have placed in my life. I’m suddenly realizing that I’m withholding information from them and that’s not the best if I’m attempting to create heart-to-heart relationships with them. I thank You so much Father God, for my discipler because without her I have no idea where I would be spiritually; she has so much to offer me and my soul. She gives me so much to think about; I only hope that I can be of service to her, I want so much for us to be even better friends. Help me to make that conscience effort to be a part of her life.
God, I just pray that this will go well and according to Your will. I don’t want this to be something that we get used to…I don’t want to be dependent on anyone but You Lord, but I do want to know that I am wanted as a friend. Gah, who knows…I’m confuzzled :-p…and I really can’t wait for this week to be done, to be perfectly honest.
Lord God, if it is in Your will, I ask that You would it either go by quickly, or that You would give me grace for this time that I’ve set aside to be shortened, or that You would grant me strength to get through it.
I love You, my Lord Jesus. Please help me, because I’m not at peace, or joyful, I’m still hurting, but I don’t want to go it alone.
amen.
signing out.
Lord God,
Please forgive me of my bitter spirit; my resentful heart. I don’t know why I was, because in the end, I was never resentful or bitter of the events past. I’m thankful for them and hold them close in thought and memory.
Lord, my heart hurts today, but there is another heart hurting, and another, another. There are so many out there besides my selfish, tar dripping, excuse of a heart that I wonder at Your even paying attention to it at all. I wouldn’t even recognize it as a heart, how is it that You do?
My Great Physician, I ask that You would take this poor excuse of a loving human being and refine me with Your fire. Make me so that You could see Yourself in my reflection. Lord God, I want to love, so terrible and awesome is this desire within me that it burns a hole through my innermost being and creates a raw spot in my soul that is tender to the touch. Lord, only You can satisfy this hunger that I fill. Lord God, fill me up with Your love, Your eternal blood, that replenishes my body and nourishes my heart.
God, I ask these things in Your name.
amen.
signing out.
I don’t even know how to start. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m confused…so very confused. Not even a month has passed and we’re ‘done’. He wants me there as a friend. I can do that, but at what cost? He wants to see me in my environment with my friends, I can do that, but how on earth is that going to work? ”This is so-and-so, my…” My what? My ex? The guy that made me so happy and then now we’re ‘just friends’. That doesn’t make sense.
There are a couple of things that really make me angry and confused:
Why did you keep pursuing me when you knew that I was praying about another person? Why is it that you kept at it? And then bring us to this?
Why is it that you asked me what it was you could do to pursue me, to woo my heart, but to protect it at the same time, earn that trust, and then stop things.
Do you realize how bad of timing it is for you to kiss me - did you know you were the first?- and then a day later be done? Tactless, my dear friend, tactless.
Why is it that you were jealous enough to want to be my best friend, and when I’m getting to a point to where I could comfortably call you that, that you stop talking to me and then tell me that you need me there as a friend?
HOW THE HECK DID THIS ALL HAPPEN IN LESS THAN A MONTH??
Another thing that really bothers me is that I really hoped that I could be there for him through these issues, I didn’t realize that in the end I would be one of the things overwhelming him, and for that I’m truly sorry. And that’s another thing! This is his life! This is the way it is and will be! I was willing to deal with the fact that he wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with me as he would like sometimes; he is on call for work 24/7! That’s the way things go. I don’t know if he honestly thinks it will change or what, but this is his life, and I was willing to deal with that and work through it and to help him through it if I was honoured with that task.
Okay…I’m done…*sigh*
Father God, You know our hearts in this moment. You know what his is feeling like, and You know what mine is feeling like. You know our very beings and You know the plan that You have for us. I ask that You would grant us grace in these times. Please may this whole thing ‘go down’ quietly. I really don’t want a lot of junk about this. I don’t want people telling me “I told you so” and I don’t want people constantly bugging him asking “what happened” I want You to give our friends the intuition they need to help us through this.
Lord God,You know how I feel; I would have this door stay open until he’s ready, but how do I know that he won’t do the same thing? How do I know that history won’t just repeat itself? I therefore ask You to take my heart, take my feelings, take my love, my affection, my compassion, my hopes, my dreams, everything, Father, channel to You, and what You would have be his, give to him directly from Your throne.
I love You Lord Jesus, as does he. That’s enough right now to make it through. That’s what we need to do this.
amen.
signing out.
Hey…you know who are all are ;-)
I just wanted to take a minute and let you know how much I appreciate you all. You’ve been a huge blessing to my life and have been there to encourage me through the worst and to celebrate with me through the best.
I love you all so much, I just wish that I could convey to you all how much I am truly grateful for the advice, love, sympathy, criticism, laughter, tears that you have all provided me with.
Thanks.
Love,
me <3
Have you ever had someone ask you to tell them what they were thinking? Have you ever felt like you knew exactly what it was the more they asked you, but were so afraid of making a fool of yourself, or of saying the wrong thing, or of being afraid of it being right, even?
Have you ever started shaking after being with someone because so many emotions were running through you that you couldn’t contain them? Have you ever suddenly realized that you wanted to trust someone with yourself, but were not physically capable of handing them your heart because you lost it?
Have you ever wished more than anything to be with a person?
Let me know if you have, because you have a friend in me.
Lord God,
Tonight was wonderful, and I thank You and praise You for every moment you bless me to spend with this person. You are speaking to me through him in a way that no one else could have done. You are showing me where I need to grow and what is still in desperate need of healing through him. I am being challenged in a way that no other person could have done. I feel like I am growing into something that can be used for You and by You and I feel like I am finally on the verge of just being. I am learning my heart song, it’s been so long. I am learning to love and to accept that someone out there may actually want to love me back. I am learning to trust. I am learning to really trust, not just to give someone your life story and say “hey, I trust you with that”…that’s only the tip of the iceberg. This person is challenging me to trust him with showing me life. He is being trusted with my very being, and challenging me to trust You enough to let it out.
You know what my heart is going through. There are pieces of my ‘armor’ missing that I didn’t take down, but willingly let someone else chip away. I am literally feeling a rawness and pain that I didn’t think I would ever felt. It’s been so long since the real me has tasted fresh air, that it will have to work to not reject it.
God, I’m begging You; please don’t let me build the walls back up. Please don’t give me the opportunity to do so. I don’t want to give this up. I don’t want to go back to my emptiness.
There was a time when I was willing to never love for the sake of never being hurt. For the first time in my life, I am feeling different about that; please may that feeling grow.
Lord God, please may I grow into what You want me to be in You. May our relationship strengthen Father God. May You grow in my heart and break it Father; it’s far too small for You to dwell in anyway. You know that my heart has already been broken and hurt and repaired and hurt…Please fix it permanently and please take the key and give it only to the one You know to be able to hold it. Lord God, You know my hopes, You know my desires, please gear them towards You; to Your greater purpose and glory.
I love You, my Dear heavenly Husband. Please, I want to become wholly Yours.
amen and amen.
signing out.
So,
Yesterday we made it ‘facebook official’ as he calls it. I am so happy, I really am! I am totally excited, but honestly…man, it’s like the people that I would really hope would celebrate with me have totally ’spit’ in my face so to speak and I’m totally shocked at the lack of support.
Don’t get me wrong, my mom, one my best girlfriends and my sisters are very happy and supportive, but another one of my best girlfriends has totally been against this and is very angry that I didn’t tell her in person. Honestly, I didn’t want to because I knew that she would get more angry than she already is. My other girlfriend had found out how he voted for the last elected and is now very warry of him because of that.
I’m just…it’s interesting because I’ve got two very conflicting emotions going on right now; one is that I’m totally psyched and have been on an emotional high for a week now, and the second emotion is that I’m torn and hurt because two of my closest friends have seemed to not really care about anything the fact that I’m totally excited about this.
Truly, I’m so happy; I’m smiling for no reason, and it seems like that regardless of what is going on, it’s not that big of a deal when I’m talking to him; I’m just happy when I’m around him. He asks me what’s on my mind, and truly there isn’t a worry on my mind that is taking precedence over just enjoying his company. I’m waking up with a smile, I’m bouncy and *singsongy*… he brings me so much happiness and I know that’s not all there is in life, but I would have hoped that my friends would want to rejoice in that happiness with me.
I’m sure I’m being selfish and not thinking about them in some way, but I’m just dissapointed at how they immeadiately threw junk my way. And I know that they are concerned about me and care about me, but this seems different; it’s not that they are concerned that I’m happy, they see I’m happy, it’s like…ha ha, well it’s like he doesn’t meet their standards.
I was worried about my significant other not accepting my friends; I didn’t think I would have to worry about my friends accepting him. Interesting…
I guess, it’s like what I was telling my mom the other day: Just say good morning at least before you get into what i forgot to do last night; it’s just so much nicer to hear those two little words and then get cracked down on.
Guys! Just say I’m so happy for you *hug*! and then say, “now this is what I’m concerned or don’t like.” It would be so much easier to know that I have your love and support still, but it doesn’t seem like it. He doesn’t meet your ideals in a man, therefore you’re not going to indulge in the possibility and reality that I adore him to death!
Lord God,
Okay, I’m not trying to be bitter; I’m really not. I’m just frustrated and feeling a little alone. I ask that You would please guide us all in this. Please give me the patience to help my friends get through this new challenge in my life. Please help him to get through my frustration with my friends. Please help my friends understand that I have never been so happy.
I love You Lord Jesus, with all my heart. I give it to You and ask that You would do what You want with it.
amen.
signing out.